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general May 17, 2024

Have you spent weeks or even months nourishing a relationship, and end up feeling frustrated, not loved enough, with an empty “love tank’ and sad to know that your partner doesn’t feel loved enough either?

That’s what happened to my client Andrea, a beautiful, proactive and sweet psychotherapist who works with children with disabilities.

Andrea met her boyfriend Christian last fall on eHarmony. He is a successful and smart banker. She was positively impressed about his volunteer services with orphans.

Even though he lives an hour away from her, she decided to meet him. After a couple of emails and phone calls they met. Since then, they are spending every weekend together mostly at Andreas’ place.

Christian is not an expressive man but Andrea knows he loves her and values the fact that he is always trying to help her in every way when he is around.

Every weekend he shows up with flowers, chocolates or a well though gift for Andrea. As well as, enjoys taking her car to service, painting her house, or taking her to her favorite restaurants. For the holidays he treated her with a New Year’s Cruise.

Andrea called me last week to ask me for help. She feels sad and frustrated, even though Christian is an extraordinary boyfriend. She appreciates all the effort he puts into their relationship and into making her happy, regardless she feels totally drained and empty.

She can’t understand what’s wrong with her.

She would like him to be more affectionate, tell her that he loves her more often and not only when she asks him or when they are intimate.

She would like to have longer conversations with him on the phone during the week and receive love messages when he texts her.

When she spoke with Christian about this he told her that he feels frustrated and empty as well.

He feels he is doing his part to show his love. He works long hours every day to have the weekends free for her and because of work, he doesn’t have much time during the day to call or text. At the end of the day, when he calls to say good night, he is too tired for long conversations.

On the other hand, Christian doesn’t feel loved all the way by Andrea either. She has never attempted to cook a meal for him or waken up early to have breakfast with him. Those are things that would really make him feel loved.

Both Andrea and Christian feel they are doing a lot to make the other one feel loved, but their love tanks are empty and both are having second thoughts about continuing their relationship.

What goes wrong?

Andrea and Christian have different primary love languages. Their situation is similar to lots of other couples who might seem to be perfect for each other but don’t know how to fill up each other’s love tank.

When 2 people do not share the same primary love language, they just can’t make the other one feel loved without having to put extra effort.

When 2 people share the same primary love language, they have the power to make the other one feel adored without putting any effort. The way they give love is the way the other one receives it best.

Dr. Gary Chapman has identified five different patterns through which people share their love. If you express love in a way your partner doesn’t understand it, if it is not their primary love language, they might not be aware of your deep feelings towards them. It’s like telling him or her “I love you” in a language they do not understand…

You can have the best intentions at heart, but if they are not decoded as such by your partner, he or she won’t get the message. They just won’t feel your love in their hearts even though they might understand it in their heads.

Discovering your primary love language and your partner’s one is a very important thing to know if you want to find your soulmate. This will facilitate the process of creating long lasting love.

Once you know what acts of love you need to receive from your partner and your partner needs to receive from you and you both act accordingly, you will have the power to make each other feel adored and grow together an everlasting relationship.

I share about this important topic in my ebook “How to Find your Soulmate: Simple Steps to Find your Soulmate and Create a Meaningful and Lasting Romantic Relationship’ that you can get at:

Here is a breakthrough of the five love languages:

Words of Affirmation: if this is your primary love language you will need to hear a lot of compliments from your partner and a lot of “I Love You’s”. Affectionate words are the fuel that can fill up your love tank.

Quality Time: it’s all about togetherness and sharing exclusive, uninterrupted time – no matter if it’s one hour or a whole weekend, as long as it is uninterrupted. Special time together is the fuel that can fill up your love tank.

Receiving gifts: if this is your primary love language you very much appreciative receiving gifts no matter how small they are. You connect the act of giving gifts with expressing your feelings of love for someone. For you, a gift is a symbol of the love you have for them and has tremendous emotional value.

Acts of service: this love language is about doing things you know the other would appreciate you to do for them. It refers to the nice things that you can do to please them, whether it’s bringing their coffee to bed in the morning or helping them with their work.

Physical touch: if this is your primary love language you would express your love through caresses, hugs, kisses, holding hands. Sexual intimacy is also a way of expressing love thought this language.

One of the secrets to building a relationship that lasts, consists in finding out what’s your partner’s primary love language and being generous by giving them what they will appreciate the most. Fill up their love tank so they always feel adored J

We all use the 5 love languages to give and receive love. The key is to find your primary one and your partner’s primary one.

In my private practice my clients discover their primary love languages in order of relevance and how they need to be loved by their partners to feel adored, fulfilled and balanced. They learn to quickly identify other people’s primary love language in order to love their partners, children and friends in the most effective way.

When you discover the other person’s primary love language you can communicate directly to their heart and make them feel adored!

Here are two questions to help you discover what makes you feel most loved and appreciated in your romantic relationship:

v What do you most frequently ask your partner to do for you?

The thing you most often request is probably the thing that would make you feel most loved and appreciated.

v How do you typically express love to your partner and your loved ones?

Your way of expressing love may be the same way that would also make you feel loved.

When you know what language you need spoken to you and what your partner’s language is, you can both fill each other’s love tanks, and your emotional wellbeing will be greatly balanced.

As for Andrea and Christian they now know what it will take to make each other feel fulfilled in their relationship. Most important, they know they will have to put extra effort if they want to continue growing their love, as their primary love language is different – Andrea’s primary love language is “Words of Affirmation” and Christian’s is “Acts of Service”.

How about you? Do you know what your primary love language is? I would love to know what makes you feel loved and what doesn’t work for you. Please share with me your comments below.

Much Love,






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